This lady walks into a fertility clinic and the Doctor says...

"Sorry, can't help you..."

I was Googling for a google amount of time a few weeks back, and I stumbled on this Australian lady sending baby dust around the world in an envelope for $1.50 AUS. Cute. I guess if you're into that kind of thing. I don't think she was making money off the idea---hint: her website hasn't been updated since 2008--or maybe she tripped and fell going to the mailbox and envelopes of baby dust flew out and sprinked on herself and she has now moved to the US and has a hit reality show on TLC. But cute idea nonetheless as I'm sure she entertained a bunch of us desperately-seeking-baby-ites.

For me? Heck, I've got enough dust and sticky for a small country--my cleaning lady hasn't come in forever. Or ever.

But, you do what works. I'm not a religious gal--in fact I admit I find myself searching for that spiritual spark at times, but a dear friend sent me a St. Jude card on our second--and successful--round of IVF, and I pulled it out when we started this up again and will not only beg--er, pray to St. Jude again, but will rub him all over my belly (in a tasteful, unsacreligious way of course!) and spend time googling "who is St. Jude?" shortly after this posts.

So, do what works for you.

Back to the story I started with. The doctor says...
"...you're pregnant." Wasn't me by a long shot, but I share in the joy of my BFF's super-human kid (he's in the spiderman phase now--the kid, not my BFF) naturally conceived with one ovary buried in tons of endo. So, yes, anything can happen. Dreams really do come true. One embryo at a time.


to kh: you've been a better friend then i could ever be. xx

See My Semen?

Hopefully you never will, but today's adventure was all about booking a semen analysis last minute.

Or as hubby refers to his junk: super man-juice.

Since our medical treatment facility is so small they referred us to a hospital. Only that appointment wasn't until we are already into the cycle. Since there hasn't been any issues with his man-juice and we'll do ICIS, where they poke a hole in the egg and stick a swimming sperm in so they have to get along, we thought Dr. G would 'grant' us a waiver. But being the meticulous doc he is he wanted dear Husband to have his three-minutes in heaven.

So, we searched and called all afternoon and found three other places.
1.Pough-town: it's a near 20.6 miles on the map, but over 40-minutes in drive time. Not a big deal except the 'sample' is supposed to be prepared within 30 minutes of drop off to allow time for the lab to process it without too much decay.
2.WP: see number one above, only the 40 minutes is if everyone decides to stay at home--perhaps The local nuke plant warnings could helpout.
3.Sufferin': ideal. Jackpot. Jesus loves me, yes he does, not just cuz the bible tells me so! Oh freaking Shuggadaddy. No appointments available until 20 July.

Great. Square one. To be continued until someone gets to see his semen--one embryo at a time.

Warning: Shrinking Boobies!

Hard to think of a title tonight. I started with "Deflated Boobies", but didn't want to give the impression of them sagging down at my hips--even if they are. Who ever passes that stupid 'pencil test' anyway? After all the Estrace, a whole month's worth, I went up a cup size or so. Boo. I just got lighter, smaller boobies after nursing and running ragged and within 30 days: hard & firm. No thanks for a D cup although my loving husband is now suicidal.

But no fear, they're shrinking again. Makes running a whole lot easier. Don't get me wrong I've got the Japanese superbra--yeah, can't even find a heavy duty American made one. But when all this baby breeding is complete, you bet I'm going in and getting shiny new ones--you know the ones that don't even move! But first, one embryo at a time.

And yes, the walnuts in my ass are shrinking, too. Geeze. Only been two weeks! Two CCs of PIO is a lot. Looking forward to one with this cycle (in IVF your body can make some as opposed to FET when everything is turned 'off').

Our new schedule came out from the clinic and we've booked our vacation--er, baby making. We are about six days off from when Baby K was created. Interesting. My accupuncturist said I was too programed for summer--all the darn fruit I eat!

Day Three. Day One. Yes, It's Both.

Yesterday we can a conference call with Dr.G. He mainly reviewed the FET cycle we just had and had to check a few blocks to get us ready for a freshie.

Meanwhile, Baby K screamed. Reinforcing our desire and fortitude to do this all again.

Pretty uneventful conversation since it's the third round technically. Basically review of dosages and expectations making sure we are readonable and The Center's philosophy (OHSS especially) has been expressed. "We're shooting for quality not quantity." Two key points: how many embryos to transfer and my nearly $3200 Rx bill will be put on hold thanks to the drugfairy speading her love.

I said eight and I love druggies--er fairies, respectfully.


So, here we go again. T-minus 32. Plus or minus, of course because unfortunately this is not an exact science.

On Being Positively Positive

Someone asked how to not feel so hateful towards all the success stories after dealing with the bitter disappointment. And my answer was--yet again--booze.

And some spiritual element floating in the universe that's gonna make everything alright.

I'm actually not a heavy drinker, and yes I know admitting it is the first step, but I'm also not a quitter. But seriously, it is hard--being positive, not not drinking. It's the war of good verses evil. And I can be evil, I know, this is something I will choose to be good about.

The success of another does not impact my outcome. If fact, I beleve, perhaps it's the opposite. This process--in general, getting pregnant--is still not understood. What if, for every successful pregnancy, more was learned about drug combos, hormones, uterine lining, etc. Success breeding success (and yes, that's a pun).

Not saying it's not easy, jealousy is understandable--especially when you're watching your account dwindle--but it is a choice. You'd never wish it on your worst enemy---not that it would matter because she's already got three free-kids (along with no job and a worthless mate, hehe.:)

So, to swallow pride, along with that enormous prenatal vitamin that seems to go down sideways, is just another testament of the strength to be a mommy. It's not about you. It's about one embryo at a time.

Gonal-go-F-yourself!

Received a return call from the marvelous Village Pharmacy today. I cannot complain about them one bit. Excellent customer service, on-time all the time. Plus, those little Fed-Ex packages just make a girl feel so special--even if they're packed with enough syringes to make a crack house, well, crack.

Today, they were returning my insurance pre-bill phone call 24 hours earlier than promised with the dashing news of my drug coverage and related copays which will total $3165---and fifty cents. Swell.

"Would you like to order that now?", she inquires as cheerfully as awkward can sound.

I just cant stop thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of Marriott reward points!" Ok, that's about half truth. First I thought of the thirty cases of wine I could buy, then the points. Too bad we can't afford the time to go anywhere. But hell I could totally swing some time and company to drink 30 cases!

Gonal-F if the main culprit. Two 900iu pens. Stimulating the follicles and the economy. No guarentees.

This kind of happened to us last time. Since round one was a bust, we had low expectations of number two working and started planning a Christmas in Dubai getaway. Yes, totally ridiculous. But with parents on both coasts if you want time to yourselves, sometimes you've got to run away---as far as you can (plus with the nearly $20,000 we spent just in IVF, we had a lot of hotel points). But, after spending a sweaty weekend with my college BFFs, i returned rejuvinated and i got stuffed with Baby K (actually two babies, but I miscarried one due to a uterine hematoma--DAMN IT!).

So, what to? I know my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) will give me the sympathy card if I ask for it, but now we are thinking of changing REs. Leaving the blustery city of Boston for a local guy that's into batching but seems to be having decent results. Tough one. gonna have to take it one embryo at a time, I guess. And no, I haven't ordered my drugs.

Negative & Nancy

So, nope not preggers. It's official. Only took an extra day because the 'machine was down', but had a gut feeling anyway. Plus the stats aren't that good--like eating frozen fish, doesn't everyone love it fresh?

I was crazed these last two weeks between traveling, working full time, carrying what seemed like bricks everyday, and single parenting most of the time. And of course baby was sick with a high fever. Also friends of ours did a drive by--and she easily got pregnant and is expecting baby one! Yay! I knew I was over exerting myself. Should have gone for a few runs just to balance it out.

I think I've got one more in me then I'm done. Just waiting for the hormone crash. Any day now.

Then there's Nancy, who's daughter is doing IVF for the first time this month and had her egg-traction--her words not mine--and had "22 eggs, a near record!". Don't worry, she's praying for me, too. She must have an in with those numbers! I gotta get her up on the lingo, just hope it's too late!

To my two little snow babies who just weren't ready, you were already loved and won't be forgotten. Just going to take it day by day, one embryo at a time.

I've got to take a moment and thank the kind officer that didn't leave me a ticket that I deserved. I expected to return to my car today after work owing 100-150$ to Uncle Sam, but there wasn't one there. Maybe it will arrive in the mail, but anyway it's nice to think that 1/4 of a Gonal-F pen will be paid for during the next round.

Getting Involved...

I'm not a huge political activist.  Actually, I try and hide my real thoughts about who's in charge and the giant waste of money that I see flushed down the toilet everyday. 

BUT, THIS IS A GOOD IDEA:

Family Act 2011,   S. 965
http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/BILLS-112s965is/html/BILLS-112s965is.htm


Don't want to read all the chit-chat on the bill? I'll give you a rundown:
May 2011, a congresswoman from NY, Mrs. Kristin Gillibrand, introduces the following bill; which was read twice and referred to the Committee on Finance.

Some background info (taken from the Bill itself):

• The World Health Organization formally recognizes infertility as a disease, and the Centers for Disease control and Prevention have stated that infertility is an emerging public health priority.
• According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 3,000,000 have infertility.
• Medical insurance coverage for infertility treatments is sparse and inconsistent at the State level--only 8 States have passed laws to require comprehensive infertility coverage, and under those State laws most employer-sponsored plans are exempt; therefore, coverage for treatments such as in vitro fertilization is limited. According to Mercer's 2005 National Survey of Employer-Sponsored Health Plans, in vitro fertilization was covered by 19 percent of large employer-sponsored health plans and only 11 percent of small employer-sponsored health plans. Even in States with coverage mandates,   out-of-pocket expenses for these treatments are significant.

Two Problems:

1. Tax credit is applied to taxable years after Dec 2011---by which I hope to have spent all the money I need to getting preggers.
2. Will the passage remove infertility and treatment from being viewed as a disability in some states that mandate insurance coverage.

Good start though!

The Life of an Embryo

Quality healthcare at a reasonable cost is something my insurance doesn't believe in. Sure it's cheap, but as with most things, you get what you pay for. Don't get me wrong, I love my clinic. I didn't say RE because the old one that got us preggers left to start her own clinic and the new one I've only met once for intake. It's just the way it works. Got it. But I'm driving 3+ hours to see them because my insurance won't pay for me to go to NYC--a near 60 miles south!
But I digress. It's just ironic I found this great website at NYU today while complaining about the time investment we'll be making this summer should this embryo not stick.

So, what happens after? We know we shoot and stim, scan and stick, but then what?
Here it is from NYU one embryo at a time:

NYU Fertility Center Embryo Transfer

**I should note we pay out of pocket. Our insurance only pays for consults and monitoring within their network. I think that sounds like another entry!

Just Stick It!

So, a few nights ago I told you of my emotion triumph of jamming the 22.5 gauge needle in my butt. Hopefully you have pregnancy brain and can't remember, but if not go ahead and exit this to go back and read it then rejoin us. Wait it's only me & my one embryo.

Anyway, yes I did it and I have every night since then and I'm losing the side effects-the churning stomach, not the walnuts in my butt. Then there was last night.

Eight-thirty rolls around ready to go. Grab the needles. Swipe the alcohol. Uncap the 18 gauge.

HOLY FLIPPING GEESE FEATHERS.

Jab 18 gauge into left thumb, middle knuckle! Blood flowing. Hot throbbing pain! What the hell just happened?

I need help.

Crap, we have company and I've snuck away to "deal with this."

Fan freakin'tactic!

So, wrap it up get the job done. I head back outside with the fakest smile, a sore ass and throbbing left hand and take the night one embryo at a time.

"It's gonna be crazy, but don't give up on me baby!"

Yup. I caved. Twice. And both are disappointing. Even though I know there's still a whole lot of hope to be had. My Canadian imported HPT that claim to be early detectors aren't detecting early enough !

An awesome site to chwck your home preggy tests (HPT): http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hpt.html

And what did I get from this site?
1. Most start at 20; your RE will take 5
2. Price may not matter; scrolling through the list I saw one from the Dollar store
3. The store-name brands seem to be made by the same people.

So check the list and keep the hope--one embryo at a time!

What's this White Stuff?

At some point something has got to give. But wouldn't you prefer your vagina wasn't givming you something to Google about?

I consider myself a sciency person. I'm pretty smart if I do say so myself. But how little I knew about the human body before begknjng this journey. This is the stuff they should teach you in fifth grade and again in 12th. A right of passage before graduating.

My parents were pretty liberal so I got the sex talk a few times--once from my aunt who also shared it'd clean up my acne. But they didn't know the science. school nurse? Yeah right, she was a guy-friend's mother! So who's the go-to person? Even now?

Pass the Progesterone, Please!

It's 5 o'clock somewhere and while I'm in need of a drink, I'm preparing this temple to house the babe so the only chemical abuse I'm allowed is that of the dreaded PIO injection. Usually my loving husband takes great pride in his active role in producing our child. Why is he always so eager to prime that giant needle? Payback for a snide remark or just there to help?

It's a process each night--laying on the couch or bed on my side psyching myself up when in all honesty it really doesn't hurt. The oil kind of stings, but there isn't any dripping slop falling out of my vagina three times a day so, I suck it up and take the shot.

But now that the ever-so-helpful husband is traveling to further his career (as I stay behind to house the babe), I'm stuck (no pun intended) with the dilemma of how to get this giant needle in my behind. Who to rely on?

Myself.

Twisting into the mirror I jab the needle into the left hip area of my rear. I immediately realize it didn't hurt! Yes! And out comes the needle. Crap. Wow I'm bleeding now.

Ok. Redo. And bing. Hit the mark--as in the oil glob floating in my muscle. Squeeze the plunger. Keep pushing. Any freaking day now. Wow, I'm really getting hot. No, I'm sweating. Ok, don't pass out. Breathe. Take your flipping shirt off. You can do it 3/4 of the---what the heck 3/4? Man! Push that damn plunger in already!

Finally! Wow. Two holes, double the blood!

I get off the counter and sit on the floor. Knocking myself out probably won't
help my odds of this whole thing anyway. I'm proud of myself. I did it. One embryo at a time. Now I can go throw up.

One Embryo at a Time is Hatched

Was thinking of how many IUI/IVF/FET puns I could possibly smash into a title at once, and settled on this.  It's my newest creative outlet.  My newest way of wasting time during a 2ww.  Yes, I too will flood the internet with my trials and tribulations of drug therapy to sprinkle baby dust upon my womb, and hope that maybe,--somewhere out there--someone will become a follower and laugh at all of this for me.  In the meantime, I'm taking it one embryo at a time.